What I Wish I Knew Before Marriage: Mentoring a Young Husband

Stephanie and I are blessed with 4 married young men in our immediate family, and am proud of each in their personal accomplishments and how they have taken on the role of being husband to beautifully and precious daughters and daughters-in-law. I’ve also had chance meetings with other men who are relatively new in their marriage, and in both cases, our conversations will sometimes segue to the experience of being a husband. I’ve been thinking about those conversations, and thought I would compose a post that summarizes some of my thoughts and what I would say to the over a coffee.

First, I want to congratulate you. Marriage is a good gift, and it will also be one of the holiest “schools” you’ll ever attend. I try to write plainly, confess my own imperfections, and point back to Jesus and His Word whenever possible.That’s the heart I’m bringing to you now.

If I could sum up a husband’s job in a sentence, it would be this: practice Christlike love in the same house, every day, with the same woman, for a lifetime. The Bible calls husbands to love as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25–33). That isn’t a mood or doesn’t have a finite quota; it’s a pattern—sacrificial, steady, and aimed at her flourishing. Think “my life for yours,” not “your life for mine.”

So what does that look like on a Tuesday night when you’re both tired? Three simple practices:

1. Choose humility over winning. Pride keeps score, humility keeps serving. Ask yourself, “What would help her breathe easier tonight?” Sometimes it’s taking the baby so she can shower. Sometimes it’s tackling the dishes without announcing it like a press release. In our house, small unseen acts build the loudest trust.

2. Make your words a refuge. A husband’s tongue can be a roof or a wrecking ball (Prov. 18:21). Learn her sensitivities and honor them. When conflict hits, lower your volume and raise your questions. “Help me understand” keeps the door open; “You always/never” slams it shut. If you say something careless, repent fast and specifically. Don’t explain away the hurt—heal it.

3. Lead by going first. Go first in apology, first in prayer, first in guarding the calendar for worship and rest. You’ve heard of Servant Leadership in the workplace? It’s the same in marriage: leadership isn’t a crown; it’s a towel around the waist (John 13). The way Jesus uses power—washing feet—must become your reflex. I talk a lot about letting our public convictions be credible because our private fruit is real. Start that credibility at home.

A few things I wish an older husband had told me:

• Attraction may spark a marriage, but attention sustains it. Keep learning her—how she’s changing, what she’s afraid of, what she’s dreaming about this year. Date her on purpose. Plan it. Put it on the calendar like it matters, because it does.

• Don’t outsource spiritual formation. Pray aloud both with and for your wife, even if it feels awkward. Read a devotional together. Thank God for one concrete thing about her every day. Your home will take on the atmosphere of the prayers you actually pray.

• Guard unity like it’s oxygen. You are one flesh; division suffocates. If you can’t resolve a recurring conflict, I strongly encourage inviting wise counsel early—a pastor, mentor couple, counselor. Not family or friends. Seeking help isn’t failure; it’s stewardship. I truly believe that a healthy marriage needs periodic “wellness checks” that marriage counseling offers, whether it be private or through conferences and marriage breakaways.

• Tenderness is not weakness. We are called as husbands to live with understanding and honor (1 Pet. 3:7). Gentleness disarms fear. Watch and learn that the men who will impress you most are kind at home.

Finally, remember this: marriage isn’t mainly a platform for your happiness or a museum for your perfection. It’s a workshop for Christlikeness—where repentance is normal, forgiveness is frequent, and joy grows slowly but surely. On days you stumble, don’t hide. Confess, repair, and keep walking together toward Jesus. If you do that—imperfectly but persistently—you’ll become the kind of husband who makes it easier for your wife to believe God is good. And that, my friend, is the secret to a marriage both you and your wife will appreciate.